Swimming Uphill Both Ways

My greatest fear about becoming a parent was that I would no longer have time to do the things I wanted to do. During the first few months I swam upstream, trying to complete tasks on my old schedule. Giving in to my child's needs first, and letting myself have the scraps actually worked well for years. Sure, I'd get frazzled, but then I would find a little island and lounge in the sun for a while. Refreshed, I would meet the next lap with patience and sometimes, creative ideas. When I would try to accomplish anything... like making a phone call, or writing out a thank you note, or reading an article, I was quickly reminded why I never did these things any more by the demanding whine of a child.

Spoiled? Maybe. I tried to work our life so that their needs were met, then I would get my stuff in IF it worked out, later.

Then they got bigger. The children took longer and longer stretches away from my side. They played independently and got their own snacks. I could actually get some things done, and actually work at home. Wow. Lovin' it.

How quickly I forgot. School-age children, not unlike my younger children, still need mom. I still seem to pick bad times to take on a project. They still need me. And we are starting to think about colleges for the oldest. Remind me tomorrow to put the blog entry on the list for tomorrow. My sixth grader wants to read together.

I love being a Mom.

One Big Family

This week I let the complaints flow freely to my friends at work. Crazy stories about a crazy in-law who was pushing my patience limits. My experiences with this particular relative seemed very unusual to me. I have never run into another woman like her. As I related stories from the previous couple days, my friend said, "We don't look alike, but now I know that we are related." She proceeded to share frighteningly similar stories about her in-laws. EEEK! There are two of them!!!

From recent experiences, I have decided that each family hold certain characters in its keep. Do you have one each of these? Perhaps you have to marry into another bunch of loonies to get the complete set. And NO family is playing with a full deck.

• The Dependent - A grown adult who chooses not to stand on their own two feet, and instead calls out for help on every occasion


• The Chronic Whiner - relentlessly complaining, no matter how little you care, or how often you have been told


• The Black Sheep - This position often shifts from one sibling to another as the years pass.


• The Angel - the Black Sheep's complement. Angel and Black Sheep can alternate frequently.


• The Achiever - No stopping this person. And no one can measure up.


• The Coaster - Can effortlessly land in a pile of shit and come up with a diamond.


• The Peacemaker - Somehow ends up pulling the family together just when you thought you couldn't stand each other.


• The Smotherer - Put on a sweater because I am cold. You can take it off when I warm up.


• The Provider - Steady and stable, making Thanksgiving dinner possible.

I think I want to change my roles. The Angel sounds good. It would be nice to never hear myself complain.

Siblings Forever

We opted to give our children siblings; life-long gifts to each other. Their own community in which to grow. Support each other. Be honest with each other. Argue. Compete. Love.

This week I had the rare opportunity to be with my siblings and parents for a long weekend. Just adults. Nothing special happened; we just spent time together. Laughed and gardened. Cooked and visited. It was refreshing to be in the company of people who know me and accept me as I am, with no expectations other than to be in the same house. No tension. 'Lotta love.

My kids are still young. They argue over chores, occasionally lash out and practice their communication skills on each other. Once they reach adulthood they will, hopefully, be past the bickering and just be there for each other. And hopefully, will find themselves with a special connection that lasts for life. One day, at a family reunion, I hope they look around at their children and their siblings and feel glad to have each one. I know I am.

What does it all mean?

This week we lost one of our parents. He was not ready to go, but his body was not willing to cooperate. Very sad.

The last few days, the family walks around in a stupor. The chores at home, the problems at the office, even the kids struggles seem meaningless. Did I ever tell Tom that I loved him? That I appreciated all he did for our family?

We live our lifes. But what do they mean? We get so caught up in our daily routines, that we become them. What is left after you take away your employment/career, errands, education, meals and chores? Your personality. Your relationships. Your feelings. So we ARE feelings. Feelings about what you like and love, what makes you happy, who makes you happy. So perhaps, the most lasting effect you have have here on earth is to leave good feelings in other people. Confidence about themselves. Fun, happiness and hope. Because that is all there is.

The rest of the week I will be writing thank you notes to the many thoughtful people whom my father-in-law touched. Then maybe those people who were saddened by the loss of Tom will feel appreciated a little, too.

Give Less, Get More?

This goes totally against my female thought processes. Stop giving.

When we were listening to the Venus/Mars book on tape, this topic was discussed. It was an eye-opener to me. Men are keeping score. I don't consciously keep score. Never have. Giving is just second nature. Being helpful to family members is a reflex.

My hubby needs a hand, dinner, or didn't get to the dishes... I help. Since he is keeping score, he owes me for each favor I do him. This was news to this brain. I help because I choose to. If I didn't want to give, I have that option. Each time he did something for the family or for me, he then felt he was caught up. He had given back. I see him working away, feel guilty because I am playing Sudoku, and pick up my pace. Then he has to catch up again. Poor guy. It would helped if I was aware of the scoreboard years ago.

This last weekend, he invited several guys over to watch football. He says he wants to keep it "simple." This is said to reduce any stress I may be feeling about what to serve. I normally cook a couple things and spend the game time running food and drinks up and down the steps. So I call him on it. "Sweetheart. I am glad you are having friends over. Are any of the wives coming?" No. They weren't invited. He assumed (no doubt, correctly) that they would rather have the afternoon free. "So," I say, "I could go shopping during your game?" After a brief moment of shock, he says, "OK. I can get the food." My look of disbelief spoke volumes. But he never fails to amaze me. He says, "I don't usually get the food because you do. If you don't I will."

Sheesh. Why didn't I think of that. All these years, I just needed to sit down. His sense of scorekeeping would have caused him to take a shift being the host. Now, if only I liked football.

Stop my children from growing up!

When we were newly married and watched our friends have children, they told us to enjoy them now, because once the children start school the clock spins even faster. Before you know it, they will be grown and gone. I made a point of trying to live in the moment, but 16 years have whipped by and I think I blinked. As I design yet another graduation invitation for another niece or nephew, I realize that my oldest is next. I crave the days with a little baby to hold, even though I also remember wishing she would take a nap so I could get something done. My husband laughs asks why I would want that time back. "They are so great now," he says, "and we don't have to chase after them." Parenting is so bitter-sweet. The next 10 years will also go by in a flash, and then I will be home with an empty nest, wishing I could have my babies again. :( There is always volunteer work.

Husband Earns Points

As we have practiced how to get along together over many years of marriage, my husband has become a bit of an expert on the politically correct way to say things to me. Perhaps this was spurred on my some angry outbursts on my part, but either way, he has persuasion down to a fine art.

If he wants me to switch the laundry, he doesn't ask, "Could you switch the laundry today." He carefully weaves, "[Sigh] I didn't have time to switch the laundry this morning. I can get to it when I get home tonight." This works on several levels. If I am also overwhelmed, it will wait until tonight, and so goes our crazy life. Buuuuut, since he knows I try to help him when he is overwhelmed, I will probably go down and switch the laundry, with a smile on my face. We're both happier.

Compliments are nice, and kind words go far. He has provided these during our entire relationship. Somehow the understanding of how to ask for my help or cooperation without raising my hackles has an even bigger impact on the day-to-day life together.

This is not the only art he has mastered over the years. He discovered a few years ago that flowers or cooking sooth the savage wife-beast. I smell cinnamon at this moment while he is making chocolate bread pudding. And we didn't even have an argument. He just discovered that in addition to being fun, cooking special treats earns him points. 'Cause if the wife ain't happy, ain't nobody happy.

Next task, the art of talking to the kids.