Husband Earns Points

As we have practiced how to get along together over many years of marriage, my husband has become a bit of an expert on the politically correct way to say things to me. Perhaps this was spurred on my some angry outbursts on my part, but either way, he has persuasion down to a fine art.

If he wants me to switch the laundry, he doesn't ask, "Could you switch the laundry today." He carefully weaves, "[Sigh] I didn't have time to switch the laundry this morning. I can get to it when I get home tonight." This works on several levels. If I am also overwhelmed, it will wait until tonight, and so goes our crazy life. Buuuuut, since he knows I try to help him when he is overwhelmed, I will probably go down and switch the laundry, with a smile on my face. We're both happier.

Compliments are nice, and kind words go far. He has provided these during our entire relationship. Somehow the understanding of how to ask for my help or cooperation without raising my hackles has an even bigger impact on the day-to-day life together.

This is not the only art he has mastered over the years. He discovered a few years ago that flowers or cooking sooth the savage wife-beast. I smell cinnamon at this moment while he is making chocolate bread pudding. And we didn't even have an argument. He just discovered that in addition to being fun, cooking special treats earns him points. 'Cause if the wife ain't happy, ain't nobody happy.

Next task, the art of talking to the kids.

Holiday Traditions

We asked the kids, "Do you want to attend the gingerbread house decorating fundraiser again this year?" Their answer was a quick, resounding, "yes!" It appears that last year we created a new family tradition when we attended this event. They raved about it. I remembered it as enjoyable, crowded and uncomfortably warm. The memories the children pulled forth held a little magic. So we went again. More magic.

Sometimes it seems the magic of the Christmas tradations is not made of actual events, which have the same ups and downs of family life, but the selective memories preserved from each event. We tend to remember the good, and the laughter. So every year we make new holiday traditions, trying to recreate some spontaneous fun or unplanned event that stuck in our childrens' minds as magical.

This year we will revive an old holiday tradition of making plaster-gauze masks on New Years eve. We have probably succeeded in pulling off this group activity five times over 20 years. But to the children, it is a priceless element of the family holiday season. My youngest will join his older cousins who remember the tradition and it will be set in him too. That is truly the beauty of the season...

Life with Children

Do all parents wonder what they did with their time before they had kids? The toddler years are expectedly busy because you are running after fast and dangerous little critters. The only purpose for chairs is for them to climb on and fall off of. You never get to sit down.

The young school age years are a series of the call, "Mom," "Mom," "Mom, Look!" You may become accustomed to this crazy series of interruptions, but it does become apparent as soon as you try to make a long phone call, or need ten minutes to finish a puzzle... in quiet. There is no 10 minute interval of quiet with school-age kids.

Our oldest is mid-high school age. She is a challenge on a whole new level. It is both enjoyable and dangerous that she will not need me for hours on end. How much space to give? How much contact is enough, without invading her privacy? The mystery continues. The only thing I have learned from 37 kid-years of parenting is that by the time I figure out what to do, the problem has morphed into a new one.

And I wouldn't give up a minute.... except when they bicker!

Love Thyself

My body is not what it used to be! I was never a model with willowy
limbs, but this is sad. Really.

One day I was talking to my beautiful, willowy niece. She told me to
"love my tree". It turns out that she has trouble loving accepting
her body as well, and reminds herself to love her tree when she
starts to criticize her own body.

Reality is that I am rather attached to my body, and better make the
best of living with it. Of course, I still have goals to work out
more, eat less, eat more healthily. Accepting myself while I meet or
ignore these goals, on alternating days, is the trick. I have noticed
that my svelte sisters worry just as much about their bodies as I do,
but are much closer to a willowy tree. Maybe the satisfaction never
comes. We are dissatisfied with our body image no matter what we look
like: 17 firm and fit, 45 soft and rounded, or 47 firm and fit. The
trick to being happy with your body, therefore, is not to be the
perfect size or shape. It is to accept what we have, learn to
appreciate it, and not try to be a different tree.

My husband walked into the room today and made an appreciative noice
as I reached up to trim a plant. I laughed. Surely he must be joking
that he appreciated the view my short robe provided as I reached up.
Or maybe he wasn't joking. I think he loves my tree.

21 Years and Counting

For our 21st wedding anniversary, we thought we'd go out for a nice dinner. But, the Japanese Steak House will have to wait for life with our kids to settle down. We did have a nice lunch together on our anniversary, and bought a slice of white wedding cake to bring home and share with the kids for dessert... after the normal running to practices and lessons.

My husband earned major points this summer when he brought along the book on tape, Men are From Mars and Women are from Venus, on our vacation. Not only was it a huge gesture on his part, but the book was very relevant to several of our communication issues, and I felt better just sitting and listening with him.

His attempt to make things better was HUGE, and the book was surprisingly relevant. The biggest tip I picked up from the book was so simple. Yet, this basic element was something I rarely thought about and did only sporadically. It was to continually let him know I appreciate what he does and am glad he is here. This basic element of his feeling of satisfaction in our relationship, the cement of our friendship, would simply disappear in the chaos of work, kids, chores and running. It was a habit I had gotten out of.

I highly recommend the book, on tape, together.